Every blog, every entertainment publication, heck — every member of my family —  has a list of the best Christmas movies/programs.  Unfortunately, they are all wrong.  Lucky for you, we’re posting the undisputed list of the greatest holiday movies ever.  (At least, according to Two Dandelions, and according to our current mood!)  And as a bonus, we’re giving you the best lines from each movie.

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So here are the top 10, in no particular order:

Elf

If you’ve never seen this, go watch it immediately.  It’s funny and heart-warming.

Best Line 1:

Buddy:  You sit on a throne of lies!

Best Line 2:

Buddy:  You smell like beef and cheese, you don’t smell like Santa.

Best Line 3:

Buddy: I’m a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.

Best Line 4:

Buddy:  He’s an angry elf.

A Christmas Story

A true classic.  I think it streams on a 24-hour loop on Christmas Day.

Best Line 1:

Randy:  Daddy’s gonna kill Ralphie!

Best Line 2:

Adult Ralphie: Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master.

Best Line 3:

Miss Shields, Mother, and Santa:  You’ll shoot your eye out!

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

How does this never get old, even though it came out in 1966?  I hear the new one is very good — but my family is not a fan of the live-action version from a few years ago.

Best Line 1:

He turned around fast, and he saw a small Who!  Little Cindy-Lou Who, who was not more than two. . . . She stared at the Grinch and said, “Santy Clause, why,” “Why are you taking our Christmas tree?  Why?

Best Line 2:

And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.  It started in low.  Then it started to grow. . . . Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small, Was singing!  Without any presents at all!  He hadn’t stopped Christmas from coming!  IT CAME!

Best Line 3:

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!  Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store.”  “Maybe Christmas. . . perhaps. . . means a little bit more!”  And what happened then?  Well. . . in Whoville they say, That the Grinch’s small heart Grew three sizes that day!

Love Actually

Want to feel all warm and cuddly?

Best Line 1:

Mark, to Juliet (on signs);  But for now, let me say. . . Without hope or agenda. . . Just because it’s Christmas. . . And at Christmas you tell the truth. . . To me, you are perfect.

Best Line 2:

Sam:  OK, Dad.  Let’s do it.  Let’s go get the shit kicked out of us by love.

Best Line 3:

Prime Minister:  General opinion’s starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don’t see that.  It seems to me that love is everywhere.  Often it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there — fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends.  When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge — they were all messages of love.  If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.

White Christmas

I’m a sucker for musicals, and I love this movie.  I want to be able to sing like Rosemary and dance like Vera-Ellen.

Best Line 1:

Betty and Judy:  Lord help the mister, who comes between me and my sister, and Lord help the sister, who comes between me and my man.

Best Line 2:

Doris:  Mutual, I’m sure.

Best Line 3:

Bob:  Let’s just say we’re doing it for an old pal in the army.

Best Line 4:

Phil, Bob and the soldiers:  We’ll follow the old man wherever he wants to go. . .

Best Line 5:

Phil, Bob, Betty and Judy:  May your days be merry and bright, And may all your Christmases be white!

Four Christmases

This one is only for adults, but my goodness it is funny!  Warning, these Best Lines are not warm and fuzzy.

Best Line 1:

Darryl:  Look Brad, I’m not trying to be your father, you already got one of those.  I’m just hoping for a chance to be your friend.

Brad:  You were my friend Darryl.  You were my best friend.  We grew up together, we rode bikes together, we used to smell each other’s hands.  But now you’re sleeping with my mom and it’s a little bit weird for me.  Can you appreciate that?

Best Line 2:

Brad:  Woman!  Do your job and swaddle this baby!

Best Line 3:

Howard:  Boys, I don’t want to speak ill of your mother on Christmas, but she’s nothing but a common street whore.

Best Line 4:

Brad:  My childhood was like “The Shawshank Redemption,” except I didn’t have some old, warm, black man to share my story with!”

The Santa Clause

This one always surprises me with its heart and humor.

Best Line 1:

Scott Calvin:  You know, you look pretty good for your age.

Elf Judy:  Thanks, but I’m seeing someone in wrapping.

Best Line 2:

Charlie:  Whoa, Dad!  You’re flying!

Scott Calvin:  It’s okay, I’m used to it.  I lived through the 60s.

Best Line 3:

Scott Calvin:  Who gave you permission to tell Charlie there was no Santa Claus?  I think if we’re going to destroy our son’s delusions, I should be a part of it.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

This is charming for children, clever for adults, and Linus captures the true meaning of Christmas.

Best Line 1:

Charlie Brown:  Thanks for the Christmas card you sent me, Violet.

Violet:  I didn’t send you a Christmas card, Charlie Brown.

Charlie Brown.  Don’t you know sarcasm when you hear it?

Best Line 2:

Linus:  I never thought it was such a bad little tree.  It’s not bad at all, really.  Maybe it just needs a little love.

Best Line 3:

Linus:  For unto you this day is born in the City of Bethlehem, a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.  And this shall be a sign unto you; you shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger.  And suddenly there was with the angel, a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men.”  That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

I don’t know if I’ve ever seen my son laugh harder than when watching the scene in the car.  John Candy will break your heart.

Best Line 1:

Del: You’re in a pretty lousy mood, huh?

Neal:  To say the least.

Del:  You ever travel by bus?  (Neal shakes his head.)

Del:  Hmmm.  Your mood’s probably not going to improve much.

Best Line 2:

Neal:  Let me close this conversation by saying that you are one unique individual.

Del:  Unique. . . what’s that, Latin for “asshole”?

Best Line 3:

Del: I don’t have a home.

Best Line 4:

Neal:  Honey, I’d like you to meet a friend of mine.

Susan Page:  Hello, Mr. Griffith.

Del:  Hello, Mrs. Page.

It’s a Wonderful Life

Yes, it’s the Grandaddy of them all, the best of the best, the greatest of all Christmas movies, with the best lines ever:

Best Line 1:

George Bailey:  What is it you want, Mary?  What do you want? You want the moon?  Just say the word and I’ll throw a lasso around it and pull it down.  Hey.  That’s a pretty good idea.  I’ll give you the moon, Mary.

Best Line 2:

Little Mary:  Is this the ear you can’t hear on?  [whispering in his bad ear] George Bailey, I’ll love you ’til the day I die.

Best Line 3:

Pa Bailey:  All you can take with you is that which you’ve given away.

Best Line 4:

George Bailey:  You’re thinking of this place all wrong.  As if I had the money back in a safe.  The money’s not here.  Your money’s in Joe’s house. . . right next to yours.  And in the Kennedy house, and Mrs. Macklin’s house, and a hundred others. . . Now, we can get through this thing all right.  We’ve got to stick together, though.  We’ve got to have faith in each other.

Best Line 5:

George Bailey:  Dear Father in Heaven, I’m not a praying man, but if you’re up there and you can hear me [begins crying] show me the way. . . show me the way.

Best Line 6:

Clarence:  Strange, isn’t it?  Each man’s life touches so many other lives.  When he isn’t around he leaves an awful hole, doesn’t he?

Best Line 7:

George Bailey:  [running through Bedford Falls] Merry Christmas, movie house!  Merry Christmas, Emporium!  Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building and Loan!

Best Line 8:

Sam Wainwright (via telegram):  Mr. Gower cabled you need cash. stop.  My office instructed to advance you up to twenty-five thousand dollars, stop.  Hee Haw and Merry Christmas!  Sam Wainwright.

Best Line 9:

Clarence:  [In book inscription] Remember, George:  no man is a failure who has friends.

And so closes my list of the best Christmas movies and the lines that make them great.  Can you believe I left out “Home Alone,” “Die Hard,” and “Polar Express”?   (Can we at least all agree that the line “Look Daddy.  Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings” might be the most annoying and cloying line ever written?)

Even if we don’t agree on the top 10, we can all agree that the holiday seasons are a wonderful time to gather the family and watch some meaningful movies.  Enjoy the season!