When your adult child brings home a significant other, where do they sleep? And what are the factors that go into determining the answer to that question? Does your opinion change if it’s your daughter or son? We’ve all navigated raising our children to the best of our ability and I view this as just another fun stage:) If your adult child has younger siblings at home, I believe you have to take that into consideration, understanding you are sending a message and setting precedent.
Disclaimer: I’m sharing my thoughts on the issue and am very interested in yours! I’m absolutely NOT saying my ideas are correct; these are simply my opinions as I think through the topic.
Communication
Open and honest communication seems important. I would think having a conversation with your adult child, prior to arrival, is important. It would be helpful to address and resolve sleeping arrangements in advance. I’m guessing everyone would want to avoid the awkward moments addressing the situation once the couple has arrived and is hauling their bags into the house.
House Rules
If you have house rules and guidelines you want followed, communicate them to your adult child prior to arrival if they aren’t already in the know. If you’re morally opposed to a couple sharing a bed if they aren’t married, it’s certainly your prerogative and your adult child should be aware of and respect your feelings.
If you don’t have aforementioned house rules, consider the following scenarios and how you might feel if and when faced with one:
Scenario One
They live together…they share a home, a bathroom, etc. Unless your own rule is “not in my house,” this one seems like a no-brainer. Set them up in the same room and make sure you’re on the same page prior to arrival.
Scenario Two
They’re in a long-term relationship…I’m not sure what long-term is, but in my head I think of more than a year. You know they stay at each others’ places. In this scenario, absent the “not in my house” rule, a conversation in advance makes sense. And make sure your adult child loops in the guest on the plan. While communication with your child is a high priority, you want the guest to feel welcome and comfortable in your home.
Scenario 2.5
They’re in a long-term relationship and you know they aren’t staying at each others’ places. I would imagine it’s an easy call to give them separate rooms, but it makes sense to have the conversation to be certain you’re on the same page.
Scenario Three
They’ve been dating for a few months…In my mind, this is a separate beds situation, however the progressive side of me says it’s a good thing to talk about it with your adult child and respect where they want to sleep when their significant other visits.
Other Factors
The judge factor…are you concerned you’ll be judged by family or friends if you let them “shack up” together in your home? This is a tough one and if you are concerned about this, you have to factor that into your approach.
While our children were growing up, they often said, “why can so-and-so do this and we can’t?” Our response was that there were things we let our girls do that other parents didn’t, and that we are doing our very best. We told them we love them and always have their best interests at heart; and we’re human, and don’t claim to always get it right.
Son or daughter…does it make a difference? This one is difficult for me to weigh in on because we only have daughters. Being a female myself though, it does seem like females are often viewed less favorably in these scenarios than their male counterparts. Thoughts?
You don’t like the significant other…this is a tough one and I haven’t dealt with it. I would think I would try to support my child and shoot for effective communication.
Multiple children…I would expect to be consistent. If the precedent has been set, I would follow it. Older sibling stayed in a room with significant other? That would be an option for the younger sibling. It could get murky though if we defined a long-term relationship differently than our child, in which case we would hopefully communicate with each other and come to a reasonable solution.
Space…small home? Limited space on vacation? To me, if someone uses this as an explanation for why their adult child and significant other stayed in the same room, it’s kind of a cop-out. I would circle back to the good communication needed to determine the best approach that would make everyone most comfortable.
Thoughts?
Would love to hear about your experience, you approaches and what you’ve learned!
