It’s my 30th wedding anniversary! Luckily my marriage has been all ice cream and love songs, with no challenges whatsoever.
NOPE. Here are thirty things that got me through 30 years of marriage. (This is numbers 16-30. To catch numbers 1-15, check out Thirty Things That Got Me Through 30 Years Of Marriage (Part 1).)
16. My fluctuating weight is OK with him.
I’ve been everything between a 2 and a 12 with him (and I’m not even counting pregnancies). He seems to find me attractive and loveable no matter what the scale is reading or what number is on the tag in my jeans.
17. Moving to Mason Ohio.
Here we are in front of our new house in Mason Ohio in 1999:
Regardless of the fact that we all look stunned and weird here, moving to Mason Ohio was one of the best things we ever did for our marriage. We found friends, community, a livable economy, an excellent public school system, a great church, and a kind and generous employer for Vito.
18. Having children
I can’t imagine there is anything that makes a marriage stronger than raising and loving the children you have together.
19. Having time away from said children.
Those stinkin’ kids can drive you crazy, and sometimes you need a break from them.
20. My husband gave me the gift of deciding whether I stayed home with my babies.
I was a full-time lawyer when I had baby #1. I liked practicing law, it paid well, and I had worked hard to get my degree. Of course I was going to keep working, at least part-time. Vito fully supported that decision.
And then that baby was born. Holy cow, my world turned upside down. I completely reconsidered, and wanted to quit practicing law and stay home full time. (I recognize that this isn’t the right choice for everyone, and isn’t possible for everyone.) Vito completely supported that decision as well.
With hindsight, it was important that I made the decision myself. If Vito had implied that it would be better for us as a family unit to have two working parents, I might have resented having to return to work. Alternatively, if he had urged me to stay home because he thought that was better for our family, I might have resented giving up my legal career. Either decision had the possibility for terrific benefits or devastating loss. By making the decision myself, I took responsibility for it, and for my own happiness.
21. Time apart is OK.
When we were first married, I HATED being apart. But with us both working full-time as lawyers, there were lots of nights spent in different states or countries.
Once we had babies, it seemed like Vito’s travel schedule ramped up. I was sad to be alone, but it all worked out.
And in recent years, I’ve spent more time in Oklahoma than I have with my husband in Ohio. And it was OK. You’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. Thank goodness time apart doesn’t rip apart a strong marriage.
22. Time apart is not just OK, it’s crucial.
Covid. Remember time spent together, ALL THE TIME? Yikes. I needed a break, even from those I love most.
Turns out Covid was just a test run for retirement. Holy cow – he’s home every day. This reminds me of a meme my cousin sent me the other day:
Turns out time apart is just as important as time together.
23. Girlfriends, and time with them.
Speaking of time away from marriage, that’s where girlfriends come in. Vito has never been resentful or jealous of those evenings or trips. He knows I need that time, and I hope I come back a better partner for him.
24. Couple friends.
I really enjoy being with Vito. But as we learned during Covid, we can and do run out of new things to talk about. Couple friends have saved us from many nights staring at each other with nothing to say.
25. Hormones.
Truly, they might have saved my marriage. They brought an end to hot flashes, unexplained fatigue, overwhelming irritability, even middle-aged acne. (Check out Hormone Replacement Therapy… Terrible Idea or Life Saver???)
26. Golf.
This one is for Vito. Probably his equivalent of hormones. He swears that golf is his stress-reliever. Hard to believe, as the photo below shows him “playing it where it lies.”
27. Dinner out.
My love language is food. It makes me feel really loved to be taken out for a good meal. (See The Best Meals Of My Life.)
28. Warm boots.
Until we moved to Ohio in Year 5 of our marriage, I had never lived in a cold environment. Now my hands and feet are always cold. And as my kids point out, I OCCASIONALLY complain about that. (Although I’m sure that they mean that my complaints are totally endearing.)
In 2006 Kalisa made me a gift of some Ugg boots that were a little bit too small for her. They changed my life.
I still have those boots. They might have saved my marriage. The less I complain (even endearingly), the better for the marriage.
29. That sneezing thing, and me learning to overlook it.
You can love someone so much – be absolutely crazy about them – but still have something about them that pushes you over the edge. I say this with full knowledge that are probably 10 (20? 99?) habits of mine that make my husband want to jump out of a window.
But for me, there’s really just one of Vito’s habits that drives me nuts. Now that I say it, it sounds silly. And not that irritating. I mean, it’s not anything serious.
This is it: after a good meal, my husband sneezes.
Not once. Not twice. Not even five or six or seven times. I’m talking 10 sneezes. Or maybe 20. And these are not delicate quiet sneezes. These are rip-roaring, terrifying, WET sneezes.
And it most often happens in a nice restaurant, or perhaps in someone else’s home.
OK, it’s doesn’t sound that devastating, and you’re probably not thinking that I’m a superhero or a saint for learning to get past this. I get it. But it does get under my skin. And after thirty years (which I’m guessing is approximately 7,200 loud wet sneezes) I’ve learned to smile at him and pat his arm. OK, maybe not actually smile and not actually pat his arm. Maybe just not strangle him.
Who knows. It might be the wine (#10), the sleep (#1), or the hormones (#25) that have gotten me through this, but I’ve made it. It might have saved the marriage.
30. Marrying the right person.
He’s the one for me.
I fell for him because he was smart and funny and fun. He was hard-working and not afraid of a challenge. He was strong and true and responsible. And he professed to be nuts about me.
And then we had kids together, and I saw a whole new person.
He loves those kids with every bit of his being, and would do anything to protect them. (Which includes not allowing a play structure in our backyard, ever, because they would no doubt fall off and be paraplegics.)
We’ve gone through emergencies and loss together, and I found out what he is really made of. He’s made of responsibility and tireless patience, and he does the right thing.
I see his generosity and commitment not just to me, but to causes and people he cares about.
Is he perfect? Good Lord no. (Remember that whole sneezing thing?) But he’s perfect for me.
So bring on the next 30.
Did you miss the first 15 things that got me through 30 years of marriage? Check it out at Thirty Things That Got Me Through 30 Years Of Marriage (Part 1).
