Thirty Things That Got Me Through 30 Years Of Marriage (Part 1)

I’ve been married for thirty years.

Every single moment has been easy and fun and completely delightful. . . she said sarcastically.

Actually, it has been really good.  But we’ve had some blessings, some good luck, and some crutches that have helped us to get through 30 years of marriage.  Here are 15 of them, and 15 more  to follow in my next post.

1.  Keeping my mouth shut (or trying to) about things that don’t matter.

Things that don’t matter:  that the dishes weren’t properly loaded in the dishwasher, that dirty clothes were not put in the hamper, that he has never turned out a light in his life.  More things that don’t matter:  he buys mushy grapes, he watches golf all the time, he tells dad jokes.  None of that matters. 

I have lots of important things to say, and I believe my husband listens to and appreciates most of those things.  But sometimes, like a good bottle of wine, I need to put a cork in it.

2.  My husband has always known when to keep his mouth shut.

He doesn’t seem to need to point out my every inadequacy, and for that I am very grateful.  

3.  We have similar ideas about money.

We lucked out on this one, because I don’t think we discussed it before we married.  (Certainly we should have.)   Our ideas aren’t necessarily right and wouldn’t be a good fit for everyone. We’ve had many discussions, but never a fight, about how to manage money.

4.  Dogs

Actually, I think dogs might be the key to getting through anything.  And that includes marriage.

5.  Good plumbers

Vito and I are extraordinarily lucky in most things in life, but not when it comes to plumbing.  In our current house we have had to replace our sump pump 4 times and have flooded our basement 7 times.  Our marriage vows should have included something about plumbers.

6.  Vito fully supported me when I needed to help my parents.

It is so much fun when you have children and you pour yourself into their care, safety and happiness!  It’s not as much fun when your aging parents need help with their care, safety and happiness.

In the middle of covid we realized that my parents needed some help, and that I was going to be spending some time in small town Oklahoma.  “Some time” became 80% of my time.  I hesitatingly proposed buying a house near my parents, and Vito completely agreed and didn’t bat an eye.  He didn’t question the expense, or resent the fact that for a year we were rarely under the same roof or in the same state.

He had no companion, no one to laugh with or eat with.  No home-cooked meals.  He ate grocery-store-rotisserie-chicken, by himself, almost every night.  When we talked on the phone, I was usually weepy or frustrated, and never much fun.  My sweet husband listened, commiserated, and supported me whole-heartedly.  He couldn’t change the circumstances, and he couldn’t even hold my hand because we were in different states.  (He was dealing with similar issues back in Ohio.)  But he supported me and loved me completely.

7.  Adversity really did build character.

When I was a teenager carrying on about some perceived injustice, my dad would say “Adversity builds character.”  And like most things that my dad said, it’s correct.  I’m a better person because of some hard times.  If I’ve become a tiny bit more patient, more compassionate, more grown up, that’s contributed to the health of my marriage.

8.  Laughter

I fell in love with him because he was the funniest person I had ever met.  Laughter gets us through a lot.

9.  He finally learned how to turn on the bathroom fan.

Yep.

10.  Wine.

It was Jesus’ first miracle, and it has worked many a miracle in our marriage.

11. Sleep.

This one is not to be underestimated.  There are many periods when sleep has been in short supply for me.  Having two babies in two years I thought I might not ever sleep more than 3 hours at a stretch again.  And then right when they reached puberty, I got the lovely gift of menopause.  I was much too busy spontaneously combusting each night to get much sleep.

After I finally got menopause under control (spoiler alert for #25), my sweet old dog reached that age where he snores, is neurotic about storms, and/or gets sick or needs to go out in the middle of the night.  

A lack of sleep makes this wife a bit of a shrew.  I’m grateful that most of my marriage I’ve been able to get some good sleep.  We wouldn’t have made it if I didn’t finally get some sleep.

12.  Vito models generosity.

I am lucky that Vito is very generous with me and our kids.  He doesn’t hesitate to buy me things he thinks will make me happy, and he has never questioned anything I have spent.   He made sure our kids went to college debt-free and have a good start on life.  

But it’s not just his family who reaps the rewards of his generosity. He steps up to give to community and faith-based organizations.  It has taken me a bit to be as comfortable as he is with contributing to causes we think are important.  He has taken the lead on generosity in our family, and it has changed the way we look at our future.

13.  We’ve grown together in our faith

Speaking of faith-based organizations, we have taken a journey together in our faith.  I believe that has changed our relationship and our family, and is crucial to 30 years together (and 30 more).

14.  He killed it as Father of the Bride.

He was absolutely delighted when our daughter got engaged.  He was lovely and strong walking her down that long aisle.

And he absolutely knocked it out of the park with his Father of the Bride speech.

I will be forever grateful to him for that speech.

He never batted an eye with regard to the plans or expenses for the wedding, and even threw in ideas to add to the joy and fun for the weekend.  His generosity was astonishing.  I know that he was very proud to be able to throw a big beautiful party for his daughter.  I love him for that.  That fact will get me through all sorts of possible future challenges.  I love his love for his family.

15.  I didn’t intend to, but I seemed to have married a man like my father.

My dad was a great man.  He was funny and smart and worked hard.  He was the guy that people turned to when they needed an MC or a toastmaster.  He gave back to his community and was a leader, and put time and money into causes he believed in.  And he was very well-liked and was a lot of fun.

Here’s a short anecdote.  My dad was dying, and Vito was scheduled to be back in Ohio hosting and MC’ing a charitable event to fight the opioid epidemic.  He was with me in Oklahoma, and unsure whether he should fly back for his obligations at the gala.  He agonized over the proper choice.  Then Vito had an imaginary conversation with my father about it, and he concluded that my father would have said, “Go to the party!  Raise money.  Always say yes to fun, to the community, to the needs, to your obligations.”  I believe that is exactly what my father would have wanted.  Vito booked a flight and flew back to Ohio for 24 hours, returning immediately to Oklahoma to help me plan a funeral.

When I told my cousin (who knew and loved my father) that story, she looked at me and said, “You know you’ve married your father, right?”

I didn’t know, but I’m seeing it now.

Can’t wait to hear what the other 15 things are that got me through 30 years of marriage?  Check out Thirty Things That Got Me Through 30 Years Of Marriage (Part 2)

For thoughts on some of these topics, please see:

Lessons from my OLD DOG

Thank you, Dad

The Top Ten Things About Turning 60